My heart swells.

photo-1470394056006-130bc90c012bMy heart breaks when I think of their past, when I think of them suffering, of them left uncared for, for every day that they went hungry and for each cry that went unanswered.

It breaks for the unfair start that they had in life and for the fact that I was not there for them – to care for MY sons and to protect them as a parent should.

Do those feelings ever go, do they – can they – ever leave an adoptive parent?

Will I one day be able to let go of their past and focus only on the positive that is their life today and on what the future has to offer?

They now have the unconditional love and care that they should have always had, they have protection, they have security and they have hope. They have come a long way and are different little boys to the ones who first joined us, but they are still the same children, they still carry their past within them and they always will.

And it feels like I will too.

However, it most certainly doesn’t dominate, as mostly my heart now swells.

It swells with pride for the amazing little boys who call me Daddy. It swells with each smile and with each achievement – no matter how small – and most of all it swells with love: pure, unadulterated and total love.

My heart swells for my sons and the joy that it brings is what I focus on and what I now live for.


3 thoughts on “My heart swells.

  1. An anonymous writer sent us the following comment on My Heart Swells…

    Your blog was beautiful and touching but can I ask was it instant? I can only assume it was! But for me it hasn’t been as instant and three years in I still struggle with the concept of parental love, because I don’t feel like a parent and I long for the feelings you express in your blog which I suggest is love. Please bottle that feeling and give it to me as I would do anything to feel the same, all the time, every minute, hour and day. In fact, just once for now!

  2. The author of this week’s blog posted the following in response to the previous comment…
    I want to say ‘no’ to tell you that the love developed over a long period of time – which is the case for many -, but actually for us it was indeed instant. Both my partner and I were totally overcome with love the very moment we met out sons.
    I am sorry that it was not your experience, but your comment has made me wonder if maybe you are trying too hard to find it. Maybe because you didn’t experience it immediately it has filled you will doubt about your ability to feel parental love and possibly you are blocking it out as a consequence.
    Most children are quite easy to love, even when they are not ours.
    We need to be open to that love and that can be a bit of a choice.
    Just as we do not recognise the feelings we have for children who are not ours as parental, equally we could miss them in our own if we have not opened ourselves up to them.
    You sound sensitive and you sound so in need of the love – maybe it’s just finding a way of letting it in.
    Good luck and meanwhile don’t let it get in the way of your relationship with your child. You can still be a fantastic parent regardless.
    Wishing you the very, very best X

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