Not thinking “I should stop drinking with my friends and go home now” at 10pm.
Spending six hours all told playing golf without feeling guilty.
Driving in my car listening to The Meteors at full volume without being interrupted by “I don’t like it!!”
Lying by the pool in the sunshine for two hours reading my book without constant otherness vigilance.
Having that one more glass of wine at lunchtime knowing that it’s ok because I can sleep if off in the afternoon.
Coming home and saying to my wife, “let’s go out tonight.”
Being out at 11pm and not thinking that we need to call the babysitter and beg for 30 minutes more.
Not holding her when she was born.
The 13 months I spent not knowing her.
Watching her not really blow out the candles on her first birthday.
Her first smile; her first laugh; her first face full of spaghetti sauce.
The mornings I don’t see her wake up.
The evenings I don’t chat to her before she goes to sleep.
The unbridled joy on her face at riding her scooter for the first time.
This afternoon when she saw a picture of herself at 13 months being held by her new forever Mummy and said, “I could look at that forever.”