Just a little bit of sadness.

Photo by Lili Gooch

Photo by Lili Gooch

I love my sons utterly and completely and I love my life as a parent, they bring so much joy and a level of happiness unlike anything I have experienced before, however there is one thing that stops my joy being 100% – the fact that my mother never got to meet the boys and that they don’t have her in their lives.

She died 14 years ago – 11 years before we adopted – and at just 62 was way too young, her death has of course left a huge hole in my life and indeed in the lives of all those who were close to her and she is still missed greatly most every day. Her death was before it became possible for gay people to adopt so from the day of my coming out she had never even considered that I could be a parent and I was always aware how deeply upsetting and painful that was for her. Consequently I know how elated she would now be to see me as a father.

I guess most people think that their mothers are ‘ the perfect mother’ as they were taught what mothering is about by them, however some mothers are just more… well… motherly and my mother was one of those mothers who are the most motherly – and indeed grandmotherly – of all.

She lived for her children – or indeed anybody else’s children if allowed – and then when we were grown and my siblings had children of their own – she lived for her grandchildren.

She was a fantastic grandmother and was adored by her grandchildren, an adoration she so deserved as she put so much time, effort and thought into the role and it saddens me that my children don’t have that in their lives.

My partners mother is a wonderful grandmother, but lives 6000 miles away and consequently her relationship with our boys feels limited.

They have missed out on so much in their short lives and although we try our hardest to make up for that, I am so aware that a totally committed and unconditional grandmothers love on a day basis is just something we are unable to provide.

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One thought on “Just a little bit of sadness.

  1. I remember your mother well and she was as you say ” motherly ” so warm and welcoming to the shy young girl that I was then…..she would have been so happy for you and as you say would have loved your family unconditionally ..Life is cruelly unfair at times, you are thinking about your boys but I’m sure you could do with a mum hug sometimes. I m sending you a special friend one with fond love x

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