Follow up: A birth mum shares her thoughts.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERARecent posts about sibling and birth family contact have proved to be quite emotive for many of our readers; and one in particular prompted a birth mum to get in touch to share her own thoughts and experiences of direct contact which we thought deserved to be heard.

“I am a birth mom and I can’t say that I agree that its “always adoptive families” that “action, chase, fight for the best outcome of the child”. The agency I went through has done a lot to help and has a strong desire to help in whatever way they can for all three parties involved. Also, I have reached out, expressed feelings, respected the wishes of the adoptive parents and I have been rejected. It is true that every family is different. I have so much respect for you and other families that try to maintain contact with birth parents for the benefit of your child.” 


And here is the original post as it was published on April 10th 2015.

Any Advice Gratefully Accepted

Having read the recent blog about sibling contact I thought I’d write asking if anyone has had any problems with direct birth parent contact. I know that to most this may seem like a strange ‘problem’ to have but here goes…

When I adopted my daughter I agreed to annual direct contact with her birth father. I didn’t want her to hit teenage years with all the possible angst that that can entail and ask why I wouldn’t let her see him when there was no reason for me doing so other than ‘I didnt want to share you’. Had I not been a single adopter and had it been her birth mother who wanted contact maybe I would have felt differently, who knows. Anyhow for one reason or another we fell through the cracks last year and contact was not arranged. I tried unsuccessfully to contact social services leaving voicemails but no one returned my calls. I finally heard from them saying they would chase it up and get back to me but they haven’t and now another year has almost gone by.
I guess what I’d like to ask is whether anyone else has experienced this and also if any of you know whether it is my responsibility to be chasing up contact. I’m also worried that a gap of two years (spanning ages three to five) will make seeing him harder for my little one.
Any advice gratefully accepted.


2 thoughts on “Follow up: A birth mum shares her thoughts.

  1. Hi there. It’s really hard getting anything done with SS, they have so many plates to spin and not enough funding to make Post Adoption Support work well. In my experience you have to be a terrier and not let go! Call and email and hound them until they get back to you, I know that means that you have to do lots of work and it always feels like you don’t have time and the kids must come first, but as you say, if it’s in your child’s best interests then it’s worth it in the long run. The teenage years will definitely be easier if everything is transparent. If you can get the names of the Post Adoption Team leader that will help. The higher up the chain of command you can go, the better response you’ll get.

    It’s brave to have direct birth parent contact, we do it with our birth mother and it’s great for the kids (we have a boy 8 and a girl 6), they are very chilled about the whole thing and know they’re coming back with us etc. I wouldn’t worry about the time lapse, everything is possible with the right preparation!
    Good luck with the hounding!
    All the best
    Helen x

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