Bad Advice

WearefamilylogoMost of us new parents came to adoption later than many of our peer group came to parenting, often it is after many years of trying for a birth child and many more attempting to ‘put right’ whatever issues were preventing that from happening naturally. For many same sex couples it can be after a life of assuming it would never be an option at all and embracing a child free existence, only to be confronted with the possibility of parenthood later in our lives which can require a long period of adjustment to the idea of being a family.

This can put us at a bit of a disadvantage as our friends and family are often a big step ahead of us, they have experience, they have knowledge and as we soon discover – they have advice. For most of them ‘children are children’, what they learnt raising their family will of course work for us and the experience and knowledge is passed on with the best of intentions and most of it of great value.

Of course when we run into problems or have doubts we turn to those around us who have been through it already, those we feel can help us and and naturally they have good advice, useful advice, much needed advice, but sometimes its well intended but totally misguided advice.

Our children come with ‘instructions’ and that’s something the established parents around us don’t realise and often can’t appreciate even when explained to them. Of course there is not a full manual to guide us every step of the way – if only – but there are strong guidelines for us to acknowledge and to adhere to.

Our children are different. As we are repeatedly told during the assessment process our children are damaged and as we soon discover they do indeed need to be parented in specific ways, ways that can make the advice we are being offered quite simply wrong.

I guess every parent dreams of a ‘perfect’ child and I think maybe there can be a degree of denial from adopters early in placement as we seek to see the perfectly normal in the child that has become our son or daughter, but gradually as the ‘honeymoon’ period gives way to our regular day to day life we start to see signs that makes sense of all that we have been told during the adoption process.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule, in fact one of our two sons has been amazingly resilient to the trauma he has suffered and the huge changes he has endured in his short life. He seems to cope astonishingly well – so far anyway – and we are hopeful that the toughness is not just skin deep, however we are under no illusion that all is OK and understand that he could just be bottling it all up and that we may well be dealing with it later on – bring on the teenage years.

Meanwhile his younger brother is a sensitive little chap and he wears everything on the outside. There is only 11 months between them and they have a wonderfully close bond which no doubt comes from the fact that the only constant in their chaotic lives has been each other, regardless of that they could not be less alike emotionally.

From very early on in the placement we had clear signs of how difficult our youngest was finding the transition into his ‘forever family’ and nearly two years on those signs are still there and the behaviour can be just as challenging. We have got better at understanding it and dealing with it, but he is still upset and angry and clearly affected by the lack of consistency and security he has endured.

You can make a child happy, give them lots of attention, lots of praise and of course limitless love and you may well get immediate results. Make them feel wanted and work at building the security they so need and the attachment that WE of course need too and you will see the results, hopefully lots of smiles and wonderful laughter and maybe even definite signs of contentment at the new life they have been introduced to. However, we can never forget that they are carrying their past with them every step of the way and those words that we heard in prep group and read about in all those books were probably true no matter how much we hoped otherwise.

And that’s the bit those around us tend not to understand. They see a happy child and they assume all is OK, they even tell us what a wonderful job we are doing, how great it is that we have become what is clearly a ‘tight’ and loving family, but they are usually not there to see the other side – the screaming, the shouting, the tears, the full tantrums ( and that’s just us parents) – they are not there to grow an understanding of what it all is and where it comes from. Then they witness a touch of ‘naughtiness’ and immediately judge us, even we aren’t sure the behaviour has anything to do with the child’s history and their emotional state, but we know it could be and we know it needs to be handled in the way that we have learnt from our – albeit limited -hands on experience.

However, we are given advice. Advice from somebody who obviously feels they have the experience and that they know so much better, somebody who has raised their children ‘successfully’ and maybe even with grandchildren they have advised on, somebody who has watched bloody Super Nanny and the like on TV, but regardless it is somebody who does not really know OUR child, our life, and it is somebody who does not have our understanding of the situation.

My partner and I are NOW not afraid to ignore the advice, but in the early days that was not so, we didn’t know what we were doing, we didn’t know what was right or wrong, We assumed those with the parenting experience where exactly the people we should be listening to – for goodness sake we watched Super Nanny too. We are now of course judged for not taking heed and no doubt blamed for the behaviour they feel that we have brought about from our parenting choices. We are told that we are indulging our son when we choose ‘time in ‘ over ‘time out’ or spoiling him for giving him attention when in their eyes he is clearly just ‘attention seeking’ we are told that we are making a rod for our own backs – but we have learnt for ourselves and we know that is not the case and we know that we are getting long term results handling things the way we are, in fact the way we were told we would need to, even before our boys arrived.

Of course there are so very many things we turn to our family and friends for to help us along the way, advice about day to day practicalities, about illness, about schooling etc and its wonderful they are there for us – but we have learnt what not to ask advice on and what not to listen to.

We get it wrong – of course we do – we know that sometimes we even make things worse, however, we learn from that and we get better. We are on the ‘front line’ 24/7 and every day with our sons teaches us something new and we know that things are improving, learning when not to listen has helped us with that.

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3 thoughts on “Bad Advice

  1. As someone who has only just announced that we’re planning to adopt I’m already seeing this behaviour and have realised quickly that the advice we are being given already (yes, already) is based on the assumption that “Yes they had a tough start but they’ll soon recover and then they’re all the same”. I expect the challenge is in avoiding those siren voices in the first few months when frankly any advice is better than the sheer terror of utter ignorance. I really appreciated your post. Thank you.

  2. Hear hear! I reminded myself of this as I sat in the car today with a manic 8 year old on my lap whilst my partner packed away the tent. Despite my best efforts to be “on her” she had attacked a child half her age with 2 spades, hitting him repeatedly in the 5 seconds it took me to get to her. I did berate her, as I carried her to the car, but soon calmed myself enough to just focus on calming her, figuring out the trigger, and talking to her about it. It was truly awful, although the poor lad was more traumatized than hurt [sic]. How I processed it and dealt with it though is sooooo different from anything any of the birth patents I know would think to deal such a thing. It is beyond their comprehension. Really. Mine too sometimes to be honest. 😦

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